I’m back, haven’t written for months. I wrote a different post for today. Which is still good. But then a friend sent me an inspiring message about being vulnerable again, and I’ve decided to put this out there.
I’ve written a bit about God in this blog. I’ve written a lot about conflict and heartache. About being conflicted.
I’ve said a bit about what went tits up, and mentioned briefly a struggle with sexuality vs faith. I don’t have a lot of political statements to make about this, they kind of upset me. But it is a topic of conflict. Without loads and loads of voices in the middle. I don’t have it all sewn up at all, far from it. I’m still journeying through it.
I’m not putting this up here for sympathy. AT ALL. It is just I feel it’s worth having a voice. I wrote this prayer some years ago.
I think I can put it up because I no longer feel so stuck, I’m not in that place any more. I’m not skipping around in daisies yet, and probably won’t ever be, with my brain, but I’m no longer calling to God like this. I thought it was worth showing the tension, so the arguments get one more personal story. Much of the language I cringe at now. But I can’t rewrite it. It is what it is. Fun Sunny wants to hide it away. But fuck it, Carpe Diem. I can also say categorically that this stuff hasn’t been and isn’t my biggest issue, it isn’t the only thing that’s been going on. Please don’t define me by it even tho I’m slapping it on the web.
I can say this that I’ve learned stronger during the past few years of crap. I know God is with me and is by my side and loves me. And I intend to stay on his, because I truly believe he is good.
If this makes you cross with religion, I’m sorry. That’s not my intention. If you have time, this is my favourite talk I’ve found on the subject. It’s 35 minutes, but if you’re interested in this stuff it’s 35 mins well spent.